for driftcompatible, driftsolo

[striker_eureka]

It's been a long day. His head's pounding again — probably not from his hangover, just from a stress headache, fucking paperwork, he hates it — and his face aches dully and all that Herc wants to do now is go back to his room and read a book or something, watch some TV, do anything other than focus on what's going on in his life.

But he hasn't seen Mako all day, hasn't had a text from her, hasn't heard her voice down the corridor, and he's a little worried. Not that she's hurt herself or anything, but that... Well. He's not really sure.

All he knows is he wants to see her.

So instead of going to his rooms, he turns left instead of right and heads down towards where she's still living. He could walk this route in his sleep, he's so used to it, and it factors into why he only knocks briefly on her door as a courtesy before pushing it open and letting himself in.

"Mako, sweetheart?"

He can feel the tension leaking out of his spine already as he steps into her room—

She and Raleigh are curled around each other, clinging to each other, their heads tucked in close. And while Hercules knows you'll always be physically close to your copilot, always want to touch and reassure yourself that they're really there, always want to be around them, to talk to them, to hear their voice and feel their presence beside you, that doesn't stop his heart from stuttering in his chest, a tiny voice in the back of his head crowing, hah I told you I knew this would happen you're never going to be good enough why do you even try anymore you should just give up already.

"Oh." Wow, is that really his voice? He doesn't remember sounding like that. He tries again, clearing his throat, his eyes dropping to the floor so he doesn't have to see them wrapped around each other. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd still be here..." 

He's backing up now, reaching for the door.

"I'll...try later." 

Comments

[driftcompatible]

“It isn’t. You don’t—people don’t--”

She can’t even finish her sentence and she’s giving him this kind of horrified look like he’s suddenly sprouted two heads because this isn’t okay and she feels like she’s betrayed him, like she is betraying him and she feels like she’s going to throw up.

…Actually, she is going to throw up and she isn’t sure if it’s from stress or the baby or what, but she’s getting up and pushing past him to disappear into the bathroom and slam the door so that she can empty the contents of her stomach in private.

[striker_eureka]

She bolts, suddenly, pushing past him and dashing into the bathroom, and he feels guilty. He feels really guilty, because his inability to deal with what is just a reality of his life has caused her to be so stressed that it's aggravating her morning sickness.

So he does what he can, getting her a glass of water and putting in a few slices of the ginger he begged from the mess, remembering how it helped settle Angela's stomach when she was pregnant with Chuck.

Armed with his ginger water and a packet of saltines he nicked a few days ago when they were given soup for lunch, he follows her to the bathroom.

"Mako?"

[driftcompatible]

She’s clinging to the toilet, finished for the moment thank God, and hating her life at the moment. This is the worst part of it; the nausea that hits at random increments in the mornings and sometimes even throughout the day. It’s usually fleeting and doesn’t last, but she’s pretty sure all the ‘excitement’ of today has her stomach tore up beyond measure.

“Sorry,” she says miserably, pushing herself to sit, hands shaking and brow shining with the effort. “It doesn’t always happen in the morning. I guess I am just…unlucky with this part.”

[striker_eureka]

"I know," he murmurs, setting his booty down on the sink and crouching down beside her, stroking her hair out of her face and petting her soothingly. "They call it morning sickness but that's a lie, it's never just in the mornings."

He's been through this before. He knows what to expect.

"Think you're all done for now?" He doesn't want to make her eat if her stomach is still roiling, that will just make her feel worse.

[driftcompatible]

She automatically tips her head into his hand, sighing and closing her eyes when he touches her. She's gross -- she feels disgusting and kind of wants a shower but at the same time she just wants to lay down and have him hold her forever.

"I think so. The nausea is gone."

[striker_eureka]

He runs his hand gently over her hair, not caring at all about the clammy sweat on her brow or the vomit floating in her toilet. He'll hold her forever if she needs him to.

"Then let's get you cleaned up a little, it'll make you feel better."

Helping her stand, Herc reaches for a washcloth and wets it quickly, using it to wipe her brow and her mouth, quickly cleaning the last traces of her morning sickness from her before pressing the water into her hand.

"Try to drink this. You need to stay hydrated and the ginger should help settle your stomach."

While she does that, he's just going to flush down her vomit and wash his hands.

[driftcompatible]

She stays still during the process, eyes closed as he takes care of her. It leaves her feeling even more hollow than before; empty and guilty and so very worn.

The water is taken only because its pushed into her hands; se doesn't really register it beyond that because she's remembering what just happened and that guilt is creeping back and she's so very tired.

Sipping it slowly, she stares at the water and nothing else, though she flinches at the sound of the flush.

"Thank you."

[striker_eureka]

He watches her quietly, his face falling by degrees. Of course she feels guilty; Mako is far too empathetic to be able to just shrug off something like this. He's going to have to step it up to make her feel better.

"Come on," he murmurs quietly, sliding his arm around her shoulders and hustling her out of the bathroom.

"Do you want to lie down for a bit?" It's late enough that if she lies down now she'll probably sleep through to morning, and that's fine with Hercules. She needs to rest, the pregnancy is probably taking a lot more out of her than she realizes. And he needs some time to batten down the hatches on his emotions.

[driftcompatible]

God, she wants to lie down more than anything. She wants to curl up in that bed and have him press in against her back and stay right there with her until the morning. She wants to sleep and rest and not think about everything that just happens.

“No.”

She can’t, though. Not yet.

“I want to talk about what happened.”

[striker_eureka]

He wants to, too. He wants to lie down and wait until she's asleep before he lets himself cry quietly, his face pressed in her hair, allow himself a moment to fully experience everything that's poking around in his head, all the pain and loss he feels before buttoning himself back up and going on about his daily life.

He's got a wedding to plan, after all.

"Okay."

He's not really sure what he can say, though, he's basically said everything he can already. But if she wants to talk about it, then that's what they're going to do.

[driftcompatible]

He’s said it to Raleigh. Mako has no idea what went on in the hallway.

She breaks away from him so that she can sit on the bed, though she doesn’t move to lay down. She’s so exhausted that she’s afraid she’ll fall asleep the moment her head hits the pillow, and that’s not something she wants to do right now.

Right now, she feels like the air needs to be cleared so that the dust can settle then be swept up and discarded.

“Do you doubt that I love you?”

This is a serious question.

[striker_eureka]

He sits down beside her and reaches for her hand, folding his around hers, his thumb brushing over the hard edges of her ring as he watches her face.

"No, Mako, of course I don't. You would never have asked me to marry you if you didn't."

But Hercules is old enough to know that love is a spectrum, and you can love someone in very different ways from the way you love someone else. And sometimes those loves overlap, even if you don't mean for them to.

And sometimes you have a Drift partner, and that love supersedes all over loves because it's so all-encompassing that it cannot be denied.

[driftcompatible]

“Something’s changed.”

She lets him touch her hand, pick it up and hold it as she stares at him, eyes sharp and focusing on his. Her expression is tight; concerned, more than a little afraid. She’s tense and all the muscles in her body are taught and she knows that tomorrow, every inch of her is going to be sore.

“We feel different. I feel like I’m losing you.”

[striker_eureka]

"I'm not going anywhere," he promises, lifting her hand and pressing it to his lips; not quite a kiss, more of a reassurance.

How the hell can he explain this to her without hurting her feelings? The last thing he wants is to hurt her.

"Nothing has changed, not really. I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I'm not your hundred percent." It's probably more seventy-thirty. Or at least, that's what he hopes. He's selfish enough to want her to love him more than she loves Raleigh, even though he knows that's not how love works and you can love two people the same amount but in different ways. Still.

"You aren't losing me. I love you. I love our baby. Nothing is going to change."

[driftcompatible]

“This is all my fault. I should not have pushed you into anything.” Raleigh wouldn’t have hit him, and everyone would be happier.

That, though – those words? Make her reel back and look stunned – maybe it’s her youth maybe it’s her naivety, but that hurts because of course he’s her hundred percent.

“That – that isn’t true. You know you are. I would not be sitting with you right now if you were not.”

[striker_eureka]

"You didn't push me into anything, sweetheart. Nothing is your fault."

He's marrying her because he loves her, because he wants to spend the rest of his life — however long that may be — with her, because she's carrying his child.

Oh, great, he's hurt her like he knew he would. Dammit. He's so tired of not ever being able to properly express himself, of not being able to find the right words to get his point across, of not knowing how to make someone he cares about understand what he's thinking without wounding them. This was so much easier in the Drift... But he'll never get to try to explain anything to her that way again. So he has to rely on clumsy words and stilted explanations and it just never works out how he plans.

He's bad at communicating.

"I know you love me. I don't doubt that."

[driftcompatible]

It’s like she’s running into a wall. She doesn’t know if it’s because he’s not being clear or if it’s because he’s purposefully being vague or if it’s because she’s not asking the right questions.

“Okay.” She says quietly, because she’s not entirely convinced that he believes her.

She doesn’t know what else to do now than lay down on her side, tuck her pillow up under her head and curl into the fetal position.

“Will you stay?”

[striker_eureka]

She drops the subject and he knows, he knows this isn't over. He knows she doesn't believe him. He just doesn't know how to change that.

He leans down and kisses her forehead, smoothing his hand over her hair again.

"Sweetheart, I'll stay forever if you want me to."

And he really means that.

He gets up and bustles around a little, turning off the lights and locking the door and changing out of his clothes, before he comes and joins her in bed, tucking the blankets around them both and curling up around her.

[driftcompatible]

She stays there all curled up while he bustles, though she moves a little when he comes back and tucks them both into her little bed.

She stays quiet then, not wanting to say I love you because at the moment it feels trite and cheap and like he won't fully believe that's true anyway, so instead she just lays there with him, staring at the wall and pressing back against him, his heat and solid frame reassurance that he's still there.

[striker_eureka]

She might not say it, but he will, murmuring it quietly against the back of her neck, his arm curled securely around her, his legs tucked up behind hers, cradling her against his body.

"I love you," he whispers again, pressing the words into her skin like maybe that will make her believe him.

[driftcompatible]

Her shoulders tremble in a silent sob and she turns her face to press it into her pillow so that it will muffle her tears. She clutches at the pillow – it’s lace edged, handmade, something she’d done in her youth as a hobby that’s long forgotten – fingers gripping and twisting the soft material under her fingers, another indication of her internal pain.

“I love you.”

It’s whispered and her voice breaks, because oh God she loves him so much and for him to not believe it, not understand that he is her 100%, her lover, the man she’s going to marry, the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with and retire to Melbourne or the countryside of some nameless Japanese city or maybe even New Zealand with.

And he doesn’t believe her.

[striker_eureka]

He feels his heart breaking when she starts to sob silently, her shoulders shaking as she turns even further away from him, hiding her face in her pillow. But there's nothing he can do about that, nothing he can say to make her feel better, so he just grimly holds on, presses his face into the nape of her neck and holds her steadily as she cries.

Finally her sobs even out and her breathing becomes steady again. He can't really tell if she's sleeping yet or if she's just exhausted herself, but either way, he nuzzles her quietly and sighs against her skin.

"I'm sorry, sweetheart," he whispers, pressing his hand lightly against her stomach. "I wish I could be enough for you. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong, how to fix this, how to make you happy again." God, he hopes she's sleeping. He doesn't really want her to hear this, even though yes, he does. But he doesn't. "Everything was fine until I had to go and get so fucking jealous and selfish, and god. I just. I love you. It kills me to know I've hurt you. I'm so sorry."

[driftcompatible]

She’s spent; her tears have exhausted her and she’s cried until she just can’t anymore and she’s left laying there in his arms feeling so hollow and broken and devoid of content. She wants to sleep – she should sleep – but even as her eyes stay closed and her breathing evens out she knows that she can’t quite succumb to the peace that sleep can bring. She stays like that a long time, too – long enough that he could safely assume that she’s asleep and maybe he does, because he’s talking to her quietly, like maybe he half wants her to hear and half doesn’t.

She hears him though and she wants to cry anew but she just can’t, she’s got no more tears tonight so instead she just covers the hand over his stomach and gently squeezes it before she slowly turns in his arms so that she can be face to face with him, her forehead pressed against his.

“You are my everything, Hercules,” she tells him, eyes closing as she tries to keep her breathing even. “And I will spend the rest of my days proving it to you.”

[striker_eureka]

Damn. He had a feeling she wasn't sleeping, and this just proves that. He waits and lifts his arm a little to let her shift in his arms, then curls his arm back around her when she's settled down.

He presses his forehead against hers and lets out a quiet huff against her lips.

"We're quite a pair, aren't we?" he asks, opening his eyes and trying to watch her from across the negligible space between them.

"But we'll be okay. I won't accept any other outcome."

[driftcompatible]

"Mmm."

She hums a little in agreement, nodding ever so slightly in acknowledgment. She wriggles her arm free so that she can cup his face, fingers spreading out over his cheek.She'd love to believe that statement, it sounds so nice, them being okay and right, so that's what she chooses to believe, focusing on that instead of the negative.

"You're right. We will be."