for driftcompatible, driftsolo

[striker_eureka]

It's been a long day. His head's pounding again — probably not from his hangover, just from a stress headache, fucking paperwork, he hates it — and his face aches dully and all that Herc wants to do now is go back to his room and read a book or something, watch some TV, do anything other than focus on what's going on in his life.

But he hasn't seen Mako all day, hasn't had a text from her, hasn't heard her voice down the corridor, and he's a little worried. Not that she's hurt herself or anything, but that... Well. He's not really sure.

All he knows is he wants to see her.

So instead of going to his rooms, he turns left instead of right and heads down towards where she's still living. He could walk this route in his sleep, he's so used to it, and it factors into why he only knocks briefly on her door as a courtesy before pushing it open and letting himself in.

"Mako, sweetheart?"

He can feel the tension leaking out of his spine already as he steps into her room—

She and Raleigh are curled around each other, clinging to each other, their heads tucked in close. And while Hercules knows you'll always be physically close to your copilot, always want to touch and reassure yourself that they're really there, always want to be around them, to talk to them, to hear their voice and feel their presence beside you, that doesn't stop his heart from stuttering in his chest, a tiny voice in the back of his head crowing, hah I told you I knew this would happen you're never going to be good enough why do you even try anymore you should just give up already.

"Oh." Wow, is that really his voice? He doesn't remember sounding like that. He tries again, clearing his throat, his eyes dropping to the floor so he doesn't have to see them wrapped around each other. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd still be here..." 

He's backing up now, reaching for the door.

"I'll...try later." 

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[driftcompatible]

They're on their sides facing one another, forehead to forehead, not talking -- just communicating in other ways, through sighs, deep breaths, a Drift so deep it shatters all preconceived notions of what it is to 'ghost-drift'.

It feels like they Drifted earlier; the merged presence in the room is almost tangible, and they're left with the need to cling to one another like this for some time.

Herc's voice tears her out of it and Mako is sitting up almost immediately, head spinning dizzily as she tries to reorient herself and get to her feet.

"No, don't go."

Raleigh is getting up from behind her, equally as dizzy but doubly as awkward and looking vaguely like a kid that got his hand caught in the cookie jar.

"I'll leave, Marshal," he mumbles, sitting so he can grab at his shoes and stuff his feet back into them.

[striker_eureka]

Herc feels like his ribs are shattering in his chest, shards of bone digging deep into all his organs, his bleeding heart sinking through his stomach and down to the floor.

Goddammit.

"No, it's fine." Thank fucking Christ, at least his voice is steady.

"I understand. There's no need to break...it for me." Ghost Drifting, velcroing, whatever. He knows what they're doing, he understands what's going on, but that doesn't make it any less painful to watch and he doesn't want to be here. "I'm sorry for barging into your room, Mako."

He ducks out and shuts the door behind him, leaning his head against the hard, cold steel for a moment and trying to suck a steadying breath in through his open mouth. It feels like his ribs won't expand properly anymore, like he can't pull in enough oxygen to function. But he does, because Hercules is like the little engine that fucking could, just slowly barreling his way through life no matter what gets thrown at him. He'll leave in a second. He just needs to sit down for a bit and make sure his organs are in the right place.

[driftcompatible]

"Wait, please--"

She's stumbling after him, terrified of what's happening, afraid that she's done some awful thing wrong and Raleigh--

Raleigh feels like shit too and he's cramming his feet into his boots and swearing under his breath but then he's catching her carefully around her waist and pulling her back to sit her down, and look her in the eyes.

"Mako. Mako. Are you listening? Listen to me." He snaps his fingers in front of her face until she registers his presence, eyes dilating and going in and out of focus for a few moments before she finds her center.

"Give it a second. Wait until you're steady. Okay? You're going to fall."

She nods, because he's right, she knows he's right, she almost stumbled and fell just then after he'd left and fuck it all she's crying again, shaking her head even as Raleigh's hands come up to cup her face.

"Hey, hey. It's okay. We're just co-pilots now. That's it. You and me, that's not there. We know that, he knows that." His thumbs brush over her cheeks, catching her tears and this hurts so bad trying to be strong for her but he has to, because the Marshal just bolted like Raleigh did all those years ago.

"Just give him a minute."

She nods, mute, and he kisses her forehead and gets to his feet, straightening his jacket before opening the door to go outside.

"Marshal?"

[striker_eureka]

Herc did indeed just bolt, even if it took him a few seconds to get going.

He can't... He just can't be there for that, can't see them be so wrapped up in each other that they don't even see the rest of the world around them. He can't handle it.

He's only down the hallways now, a few doors off to the side, towards the unfilled rooms that would afford him some privacy. The trek back to his room had seemed too daunting, so he's just slumped on the cold metal steps of the bunk about five doors down, his hands clasped between his knees and his head hanging low. He doesn't look up when he heard his name called.

What do you want, Raleigh?

[driftsolo]

He goes right up to the Marshal but makes sure that he's just out of arms reach.

"Sir." His voice is low and fairly subdued. "She needs you."

Not him, not right now -- she needs her fiancee, her lover, the father of her child.

Not Raleigh Becket, her copilot.

[striker_eureka]

"She doesn't need me."

She might want him, but she doesn't need him. He knows that. She has Raleigh for her emotional needs; Raleigh, the man who understands her without having to resort to something as clumsy as words, who knows what to say and when to hold her, who knows when he's done something wrong and knows how to atone for it. And Herc's not blind, he knows the blond pilot is attractive. He's nice, he's friendly, he's just generally a good guy. She should be with him.

Not Hercules.

"She doesn't need a man with a hole in his soul." He's lost both his pilots now, has to walk around with the lingering emptiness in his head that will never, ever fade, has to wake up each day knowing that he'll always be incomplete. "You know what that's like, losing your copilot, your family. How you feel crippled and numb like nothing is real anymore because how the hell could it be real, you're walking around missing your other half and nobody is noticing. I'm trying to heal, to move on, to stop focusing on it, to fill my life with other things and other people until I don't feel like I'm walking without feet, I'm trying."

His mouth opens and closes briefly, silent.

"You found a new pilot, though. And it won't ever fully heal your soul but you're not alone anymore, there's another voice in your head and it's whispering that it loves you, that you're okay. You can Drift again."

He scrubs a hand over his hair, still staring at the floor in front of him. "I will never Drift again. I'll never find a new copilot. I'm always going to be walking around with half my soul missing because if I get inside a Jaeger again and even attempt to Drift, my brain will fucking explode. No matter what I do I will never get that back. There will always be silence in my head, static where there should be noise, emptiness where there should be another person."

Finally, finally he looks up, and his cheeks are dry but his eyes are red, his face wearing the haunted defeat he wore in the weeks after Chuck's death.

"I need her. But she doesn't need me." Because she has you.

[driftsolo]

“She. Needs. You.” He makes sure to enunciate this very clearly, and very slowly.

“She does need you, Sir. She needs you in ways she doesn’t need me. She wants you in ways she doesn’t want me.” He shrugs his shoulders in a helpless kind of way, palms up, expression briefly twisting before his arms fall back down by his sides. Hercules is a man that he’s always looked up to, always trusted and felt like he could sort of lean on when times got rough.

Ever since Chuck died, he’s just been a shell of that man, until he started seeing Mako. She’s been so good for the Marshal, even when Raleigh knew – when he knew - that it was going to inevitably cause some kind of stir in the ‘Dome, and between the three of them.

No matter his own feelings, he’d never tried to stop it, never tried to influence – not until the he’d landed a punch against Marshal Hansen’s jaw.

“She does need a man with a hole in his soul – because she fits into that hole, helps to make him whole again. She may not ever be able to fully fill it, because there’s gaps and cracks and places she can’t completely get to, but you better believe she loves you with her whole heart, with everything she’s got.”

He claps a hand down on Herc’s shoulder.

“Don’t throw it away. Don’t wallow in your pain. It doesn’t work. I would know. I lived in that shithole five years and with all due respect Sir, you’re heading in that direction with all this self pity.”

He’s staring right at the Marshal, blue eyes soft and hard at the same time, hand heavy on his shoulder.

“She needs you right now – she broke the trance because she heard your voice, because she wanted to see you. She tried to follow you. She wants you. Go in there. Don’t leave her hanging.”

[striker_eureka]

Raleigh's right — sort of.

He knows Mako loves him. Just like he loves her. But he knows that despite all his effort, he's not enough for her. And he would never ask her to make him enough, to 'break up' with Raleigh...even if he wants her to.

That's one of the good things about having your copilot dead: all those awful selfish thoughts you're ashamed to have stay safely inside your own head where nobody else can see them. He can fantasize all he wants about Mako coming to him and declaring that she loves him enough to not need Raleigh in her life, that she can find all the emotional fulfillment she needs through this, through them, through their family, and nobody's any wiser.

Nobody except his poor stunted ego, that is.

He knocks Raleigh's hand off his shoulder and heaves himself slowly to his feet, body creaking and slow like an old Jaeger ready to be decommissioned.

"When we get our new quarters," he says quietly, looking at the shoulder of Raleigh's stupid sweater instead of his face. "I would appreciate it if you kept that..."

Finally, he drags his eyes up to meet Raleigh's, and Herc's are full of the jealousy and the resignation and the pain he feels. "Don't do that in our bed."

And then he steps around him and heads back to Mako's room, because despite everything, he loves her and he could never deny her anything. Even if it kills him a little to give it to her.

[driftsolo]

Raleigh’s hand falls to his side and he stares at the Marshal, hating himself in this moment, just a little bit. He knows that he should follow through on that ‘threat’ to transfer, get out of their lives, get out of Mako’s head and leave her be – let her start her life without him.

But he’s too selfish to do that. He doesn’t want to give her up, and his selfishness is wrecking the man in front of him. It’s obvious in the way he’s holding himself, the look in his eyes. It’s tearing the Marshal apart and it’s all Raleigh’s fault.

“We won’t,” he promises as he moves away to let Hercules pass, “we won’t.”

He stands there in the hall for a few moments and scuffs the floor with his boot, then turns and starts to slowly make his way down the hall, no real destination in mind.

[striker_eureka]

Hercules ends up knocking on Mako's door again, waiting for a moment before pushing it slowly open.

"Hey, sweetheart," he murmurs, managing to smile as he shoves back all the hurt feelings he's been nursing, the nagging sense of inadequacy and loss.

"You feeling a bit steadier now?"

[driftsolo]

She’s sitting cross legged on the bed, elbows on her knees and head in her hands. When she looks up at him it’s obvious she’s shed tears; her eyes are red-rimmed but her cheeks are dry.

“I’m sorry,” she says, voice quiet, the rasp from sobbing still prevalent. “I’m sorry.”

[striker_eureka]

"Oh, Mako, no."

He shuts the door behind him and comes in close, lowering himself onto his knees in front of her and cupping her face in his hands.

"Sweetheart, no. You don't need to be sorry. I understand."

[driftcompatible]

“This isn’t alright,” she insists, head dropping when his hands warm her cheeks. “I shouldn’t—“

She doesn’t know what she’s trying to say. There’s too much emotion bubbling up inside of her and she feels very, very broken at the moment and she doesn’t know how to fix it. She’s hurt him, she knows it, she heard the tone in his voice, the way he backed up, fled when she told him to wait.

[striker_eureka]

"No, it is," he insists right back, sliding his hands around to the back of her neck, pulling her closer so she can rest her forehead on his shoulder.

"It's okay." It's not okay. He feels like he's dying. But it will be okay, because Hercules loves her and if this is what she needs — if she needs Hercules in her bed and Raleigh in her head — then he'll give it to her because he'd give her the sun and the stars if he could, but he can't, so this will have to do.

"It's sweet but naive to believe that one single person can be a hundred percent what another person needs. I understand. You need Raleigh too. It's okay. He fulfills a need for you that I can't. It's okay. It's okay."

[driftcompatible]

“It isn’t. You don’t—people don’t--”

She can’t even finish her sentence and she’s giving him this kind of horrified look like he’s suddenly sprouted two heads because this isn’t okay and she feels like she’s betrayed him, like she is betraying him and she feels like she’s going to throw up.

…Actually, she is going to throw up and she isn’t sure if it’s from stress or the baby or what, but she’s getting up and pushing past him to disappear into the bathroom and slam the door so that she can empty the contents of her stomach in private.

[striker_eureka]

She bolts, suddenly, pushing past him and dashing into the bathroom, and he feels guilty. He feels really guilty, because his inability to deal with what is just a reality of his life has caused her to be so stressed that it's aggravating her morning sickness.

So he does what he can, getting her a glass of water and putting in a few slices of the ginger he begged from the mess, remembering how it helped settle Angela's stomach when she was pregnant with Chuck.

Armed with his ginger water and a packet of saltines he nicked a few days ago when they were given soup for lunch, he follows her to the bathroom.

"Mako?"

[driftcompatible]

She’s clinging to the toilet, finished for the moment thank God, and hating her life at the moment. This is the worst part of it; the nausea that hits at random increments in the mornings and sometimes even throughout the day. It’s usually fleeting and doesn’t last, but she’s pretty sure all the ‘excitement’ of today has her stomach tore up beyond measure.

“Sorry,” she says miserably, pushing herself to sit, hands shaking and brow shining with the effort. “It doesn’t always happen in the morning. I guess I am just…unlucky with this part.”

[striker_eureka]

"I know," he murmurs, setting his booty down on the sink and crouching down beside her, stroking her hair out of her face and petting her soothingly. "They call it morning sickness but that's a lie, it's never just in the mornings."

He's been through this before. He knows what to expect.

"Think you're all done for now?" He doesn't want to make her eat if her stomach is still roiling, that will just make her feel worse.

[driftcompatible]

She automatically tips her head into his hand, sighing and closing her eyes when he touches her. She's gross -- she feels disgusting and kind of wants a shower but at the same time she just wants to lay down and have him hold her forever.

"I think so. The nausea is gone."

[striker_eureka]

He runs his hand gently over her hair, not caring at all about the clammy sweat on her brow or the vomit floating in her toilet. He'll hold her forever if she needs him to.

"Then let's get you cleaned up a little, it'll make you feel better."

Helping her stand, Herc reaches for a washcloth and wets it quickly, using it to wipe her brow and her mouth, quickly cleaning the last traces of her morning sickness from her before pressing the water into her hand.

"Try to drink this. You need to stay hydrated and the ginger should help settle your stomach."

While she does that, he's just going to flush down her vomit and wash his hands.

[driftcompatible]

She stays still during the process, eyes closed as he takes care of her. It leaves her feeling even more hollow than before; empty and guilty and so very worn.

The water is taken only because its pushed into her hands; se doesn't really register it beyond that because she's remembering what just happened and that guilt is creeping back and she's so very tired.

Sipping it slowly, she stares at the water and nothing else, though she flinches at the sound of the flush.

"Thank you."

[striker_eureka]

He watches her quietly, his face falling by degrees. Of course she feels guilty; Mako is far too empathetic to be able to just shrug off something like this. He's going to have to step it up to make her feel better.

"Come on," he murmurs quietly, sliding his arm around her shoulders and hustling her out of the bathroom.

"Do you want to lie down for a bit?" It's late enough that if she lies down now she'll probably sleep through to morning, and that's fine with Hercules. She needs to rest, the pregnancy is probably taking a lot more out of her than she realizes. And he needs some time to batten down the hatches on his emotions.

[driftcompatible]

God, she wants to lie down more than anything. She wants to curl up in that bed and have him press in against her back and stay right there with her until the morning. She wants to sleep and rest and not think about everything that just happens.

“No.”

She can’t, though. Not yet.

“I want to talk about what happened.”

[striker_eureka]

He wants to, too. He wants to lie down and wait until she's asleep before he lets himself cry quietly, his face pressed in her hair, allow himself a moment to fully experience everything that's poking around in his head, all the pain and loss he feels before buttoning himself back up and going on about his daily life.

He's got a wedding to plan, after all.

"Okay."

He's not really sure what he can say, though, he's basically said everything he can already. But if she wants to talk about it, then that's what they're going to do.

[driftcompatible]

He’s said it to Raleigh. Mako has no idea what went on in the hallway.

She breaks away from him so that she can sit on the bed, though she doesn’t move to lay down. She’s so exhausted that she’s afraid she’ll fall asleep the moment her head hits the pillow, and that’s not something she wants to do right now.

Right now, she feels like the air needs to be cleared so that the dust can settle then be swept up and discarded.

“Do you doubt that I love you?”

This is a serious question.